Lying in bed trying to sleep and I cuddle my pillow and it smells like you… This is the worst feeling in the world.
I’m sad, lonely, heartbroken, miserable, angry, insecure, paranoid and basically I feel empty. I haven’t slept properly in 4 days, I have eaten 2 times a day these past 4 days, I have cried out way more liquid than i have been drinking, I have had a few small panic attacks, I have let my mental state control me and it’s affecting my physical well being. I am not apologising for any of this. I’m more than justified in the way I feel and I know I feel like shit right now, and I’ll probably still feel like shit tomorrow, and the rest of this week, the rest of the month even. To be perfectly honest it’ll probably take me months to get better, but that’s still okay, because every day I’m sure I will feel a little bit better. Bit by bit, piece by piece I’m going to be able to sleep properly again, and eat properly and laugh hysterically, it’ll happen.
I’ll be okay, and you are going to miss me, my hair, my laugh, my scent, the weird noises I make when I wake up, the way I’d tickle your back until you fell asleep, play fighting, the way I’d compliment you and go so far out of my way to make you feel good about yourself, the way I’d laugh at all your dumb jokes most people wouldn’t even understand, the way I’d listen to stories about things I still don’t even understand, the way our lips felt when they touched and the way my lips felt when I’d kiss your neck, the way I’d squeeze you so tightly when we hugged, when I’d message you at work to stay hydrated or try and have a good day, when I’d sit up and wait for you even if we were both dead tired just so we could sleep in the same bed, my ability to take a joke and laugh about my nose size or me being Indian, resting your head on my boobs, me never ever ever judging you or lying to you, my honesty, my optimism, my ability to cheer you up, my fingers tracing your palms, the way I’d play with your hair, the food I’d buy just because I knew you were coming over.
When something good happens you’re going to hate that you can’t call me and tell me because you know I’d be just as excited as you were, When something bad happens you are going to miss that I won’t be there to fix it.
Most of all you are going to miss the way I loved and treated you, you are going to regret letting me go and you are going to realise what a mistake that was.
"no" is too serious
"nope" is too casual
"nah" is just right
"Did you kill this man?" "Nah"